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Tectonic
Redesign
20
September 2005
I’m
wondering if maybe I am not the sort of man who
gets a midlife crisis, but is instead so damned
reflective that he’s doomed to question himself deeper
and deeper until nirvana is reached – with about five
minutes left in the game. If that’s true, I feel as if I’m
still in the first quarter, I’m burning a time-out, and even
though it’s a punt situation right now there’s still plenty
of time left to regain self-possession and march down the
field to victory.
In
reality, of course, it’s nowhere near the first quarter and
I ran out of time-outs a long time ago. We’re in the third
quarter, at least, and I think I missed the halftime show
completely. Was it pretty? Was there rich pageantry? Did
Paul McCartney play?
Yesterday, all my troubles blah blah blah blah blah…
This is
an attitude problem. I know it, you know it, the American
People know it.
It is
this turmoil that has prompted the redesign you see before
you now. A slightly newer-looking toy can distract even the
most über-kvetching recluse. I also did it because I want
the index page pictures to be bigger.
Redesign
is leaking into other areas of my life as well. I recently
purchased new t-shirts. Colored ones, not just the plain
white. Caution to the wind, I know. Pants. Went with a
whole nother brand. Wranglers. I also made a complete
subsurface paradigm shift from Jockey to Hanes. Yow. I’m
virtually unrecognizable now.
Got a new
camera lens too. A
new lens can fix everything.
Wise men know this.
*****
 Yesterday
was Amy’s 14th birthday. This seems reasonable
until I think of 14 as halfway to 28. I’m here to testify
that halfway to 28 is deep within the realm of teenage
contrarianism, her attitude having realigned to a seemingly
constant pre-pounce position. Let go one parental
presumption and she will bite. I am happy to report,
however, that this reconfiguration is aimed mostly at her
mother. This is natural. I am big and powerful and I know
slick moves from watching professional wrestling. Amy knows
this and respects my fierce... ness.
One area
in which I’ve not been able to dominate is physical
therapy. Aside from chaining her to a rack, my methods for
getting her to do her therapeutic stretches have become less
effective. I used to be able to goad her into it, using
affable repartee, but now she seems to think her body is her
own and if she decides that it’s okay for the right side of
her body to atrophy, well then, so be it.
It will
not be so, of course, and to ensure this she will be
undergoing surgery in November. Surgeons will cut open her
arm and her leg and try to make things better. After that
she will be in casts through January. After that the
therapy will become more intense.
Intense,
yes, that’s what I need more of. Gotta get off this crazy
self-centered relaxation kick I seem to be on.
My plate
isn’t full. It’s just too small. A plate redesign, see,
that’s what I need. What could I have been thinkin’?
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